and the less everything else makes sense.

i guess there's always going to be a part of me that will hold on to the possibility of us. and that no matter how short, or rare a conversation,
no matter how often i spill or scream on the inside,
nothing's going to change.

why did that happen?
why did.. how?

i'm never going to get it.

i can't believe you never did.

the girl who was looking for something more. the one who wanted to look at someone and feel butterflies start to flutter and her stomach tie up in knots. that was me. i was the girl that wanted to hold someone's hand and feel like i had the world in my reach. i was the girl that watched the rain fall from the sky and wished she could have someone to share the beauty of the rain with. that was me.

i spend countless nights listening and joining in conversations that talked about longing and loneliness. how many times were we in that car uttering wishes and frustrations at each other and at the world? we questioned why and why not, how come and why them?

and then there was that summer that changed me. he came in the picture and i could feel it happening.

he understood a lot of what i had to say and agreed with how i saw the world. he didn't fight me for my beliefs, and yet he stayed planted on his own. he didn't just get up and leave like the rest of them and he had this mystery about him that i wanted so badly to solve.

but he was taken and i didn't know what i could do. so i just.. went. i flowed. i followed. i didn't stray away. and it turned out he took a turn into the road i was already on. but he still kept an eye on his old life, and i thought, 'hey, why stay here?' but before i could muster up the courage to speak the words out loud, he was mine, completely.

he was promising me worlds and sharing wishes on a star. he gave me his words and i gave him mine. we hardly argued, hardly found fault in the other. we hardly complained and we were each other's, completely. he took me as i was and i loved every angle, every bit and every side of him that he let me.

but things change and as a friend of mine said, it's never anyone's fault. we both grew up, and i guess it wasn't in the gods' plans that we grow up together, that we grow according to the other. the universe never had in her stars that our souls stay intact. love stopped bridging the gaps together. where did i hear that from? i hate it when i forget.

i'm glad it happened. never will you hear words of regret come from my lips. in a lot of ways, he was my first. i wasn't his, but he still gave me all he had. and for that i'd like to thank him.

thank him for holding me so carefully and taking me as i was. thank him for understanding and never expecting more than i could give. thank him for seeing something in me.

i'd like to thank him for giving me something so beautiful to hold.

smile, darling :) smile. you're safe, your family's safe. your house is now dry, your electricity never went away. your cars smell, but they still function. and (some) people care. so smile, darling, smile :)

.. what is that, a frown upon your face? but why? why can't a smile weasel its way to your lips? what's wrong? you have your education, your health, your friends. and you have money in the bank (though it's never as much as you last checked). so why not thank the world instead of question why? stop wasting your time trying to piece together what could have been or what you've lost or what you tossed away. stop wasting your time.

smile, my love. smile :)

it was a little bit ridiculous. how viciously a game it was that destiny played with them. how she took their paths and aligned them side by side. enough that they knew each other's little quirks, enough that they heard each other's voices and laughter. enough to know each other's smiles. and yet she never let their paths cross over to the other's, she never let them walk hand in hand. they never truly did walk side by side.

that poor girl. she believed their paths would cross at one time or another. she believed with all that her fragile little heart could.

and poor boy, for he left things to chance too often, and believed in destiny a little too deeply-- when all she wanted was a little entertainment.

the romantic would say it was the world's loss to have not seen their happy ending.
the realist would argue it would not have lasted, for teenage hearts are nothing if not fickle.
then the romantic would retort that even if it wouldn't've lasted forever, at least they, even for a moment, loved purely and innocently.
and the realist would then ask, why go through the pain?
and the romantic would smile and say, if you let yourself go and loved then you would know, that it makes it all worthwhile.

the romantic always wins.

there's so much i wish i knew that i don't. there are so much words i wish i had the conviction to write, or the courage to speak.

has anyone else been enjoying the rain as much as i have?

like how other people listen to music that makes them remember or cry or smile or forget, i listen to the rain that makes me think. i sit back and wonder about the mysteries behind each tear of the sky and what reason there could be behind every god's strike. i place my head upon a pillow and try to place things together, try to get things flowing as smoothly as when a river starts to flow down my street. i wait as the monitor wakes up, and i try to place words to feelings and logic behind emotion.

my eyes flash to the window each time the wind blows harder or the sky sobs louder or the lights flash brighter. for those fleeting moments, the world seems more alive. alive in a way that the sun will never understand and the birds can never sing in tune to. they know of nothing but smiles and shine and green grass that grows behind white picket fences. gray clouds, on the other hand, know of pain and sorrow and anger and hurt. look closely enough, and you can see the wisdom in every drop of rain.

so tell me now, who has your respect?

what is it about someone else that makes us fall in love with them?

it's amazingly disappointing when people don't understand. or when you think they'll catch on to your sarcastic answers and realize you're texting differently, but they don't. it makes you feel alone when no one notices. and sometimes you just want that.. don't you?

sometimes you just want someone to notice something's wrong, someone to ask you how you are and see beyond your 'yes, i'm fine-s'. sometimes you just have those moments when you feel so unbelievably alone, even when surrounded by alcohol and friends, even when you know you shouldn't. sometimes you just can't help yourself. you just can't help the way you feel or the way you are or who you are. sometimes you can't help what that voice at the back of your head says. and you can't help but know it's saying the truth. so, tell me, what's it telling you?

i'd love not to be disappointed anymore.

does she still get your heart racing?

i feel like forgetting. just forgetting.

i miss writing and not making sense.

what happened to the days i made nothings come out of those lips, that mind wander into places no one's but mine has been?
the clock passed the hours i spent trying to read your eyes, as you counted the stars.
the papers that held the dreams we shared are wrinkled and torn,
and the coffee stains you left on my shirt have washed away.
the sand no longer holds our initials, held together by that softly drawn heart--
we were so foolish to think the sea wouldn't swallow our hopes along with it.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

guys, google is fun :)) it entertains me :))

if you want to know where your heart is,
look where your mind wanders.

fuck that :)

bakit ang puso hindi napipigilan?

because the mind gives up too quickly. if our hearts could be controlled, if rationality took the driver's seat alone, what relationship would last? once the mind recognizes the bitter stench of ache, the first instinct of anyone is to run. it's the heart that keeps us doubting, keeps us looking back, the one that makes us want to turn back, and face the pain.

the heart is so much more courageous than the mind. you see, when the latter starts to distinguish the familiarity of hurt, the heart not only acknowledges this possibility, but beyond it sees a happiness the mind quickly forgets. and that reminder is what keeps anyone wanting more. it's the thought of that bliss that keeps us holding on.

and when if we lose the one we love, we wish we thought it through more thoroughly, wish we hadn't have listened to our hearts, wish we'd have paid more attention to our untrusting, second-guessing psyche. but sooner or later, we'll forget, which over of our hearts and minds go first. and because the heart is stronger as it is braver, we'll still recall how we heard our hearts beat through our ears and how we once held our breaths under a star covered sky.

and because even the mind can recognize that kind of happiness, a smile will creep its way once again, onto our faces.

i don't want to grow old,
to count the seconds as they pass me by,
to feel feeble,
to feel ill work its way through who i become.

i don't want to grow old,
to one day look at children
and say,
i, too, once could.